Not satisfied with how Union County Weekly covered elections in November, I’ve spent a significant amount of time benchmarking how national media covers politics so we’ll be ready this year.
Filing starts Feb. 12 for many races, including Congress, N.C. General Assembly and Union County commissioners. Here are some ways we’re going to improve election coverage:
Several national news outlets have devoted a lot of resources to reporting on President Donald Trump’s hands. Union County Weekly will follow suit. Not only will we measure every candidate to check for baby hands, but we’ll also compare them to people of comparable height, weight and elected office. We’re considering hiring more freelancers to analyze candidate handshakes. We’ll also recruit correspondents to ensure candidates and their spouses lovingly hold hands on their way to county events.
We’re also following national media’s lead on determining if candidates are combing their hair in styles that are most suitable for their elected offices. For instance, the public must be made aware if a county commissioner has an unruly comb over. Comb overs must be tasteful and be held to the high standard of office. We’re planning several features on how candidates would look in various hairstyles, like man buns or faux hawks.
We’ll be paying very close attention to words spoken by candidates. Their words must not offend a single person. If a single person takes offense to those words, we will reach out to the candidate to ensure they give an apology we feel is appropriate. We’ll also hold up flashcards featuring evil people in history and ask candidates if they condemn each one.
We have to make sure candidates are mentally and physically fit to hold office. We’ll request each candidate fill out a Union County Weekly crossword puzzle to measure their intelligence. They also must beat me in a foot race. If they can’t, then they must be seriously ill.
Finally we’re changing the way we do interviews this year. In addition to asking questions, we’ll be making a series of constipated faces as candidates discuss their platforms. This strategy, perfected by CNN’s Jake Tapper, seems to throw lesser candidates off their rockers.
Seats up for grabs
People will begin to officially put their names on ballots for the 2018 elections from Feb. 12 to 28.
Seats up for grabs (and those holding them) include:
• U.S. Congress – Robert Pittenger
• N.C. Senate – Tommy Tucker and Paul Newton
• N.C. House – Mark Brody, Craig Horn and Dean Arp
• County commissioner – Stony Rushing, Jerry Simpson and Lance Simpson
• School board – Gary Sides, Melissa Merrell, Kathy Heintel and Leslie Boyd
• Sheriff – Eddie Cathey
• District Attorney – Trey Robison
• Superior Court Judge 20B – Chris Bragg
• Soil & Water Supervisor – Wayne Moser